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A ten-point report reveals among other things that the concept of the Ashes is flawed and Alastair Cook is a droid
January 20, 2011
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England is definitely not responsible for winning the Ashes in Australia, and may in fact not actually have won them at all. That is the first and most remarkable of a number of findings in a new Ashes port-mortem published today by Cricket Australia under the title "Did We Miss Something?"
Containing depositions from journalists across the globe, as well as CA executives, Australian fan bodies and readers of ESPNcricinfo, the explosive findings will be a further blow to Andy Flower and his struggling England team. The ECB have yet to comment, though their failure to issue a vote of confidence in their coach will only add to the dark mood of an already despondent dressing room.
The 10 key conclusions contained in the executive summary are:
The series of five Test matches played between Australia and a team claiming to represent England, was a tightly fought contest between two evenly matched sides, though "England's" seam bowlers would have struggled to use the Kookaburra ball and are hopelessly out of their depth in Australian conditions as evidenced by Stuart Broad's pathetic average of 80.
The limitless depth of top-class bowling options in Australia put the selectors under unprecedented pressure and the decision to choose injured, novice and out-of-shape players was entirely justified as it resulted in more guys getting a good suck of the pineapple.
The selectors were vindicated in their decision to rest Mitchell Johnson in Adelaide by his typically Australian spell of brilliant swing bowling in Perth. The report, in a rare foray into recommendations, urges Johnson be rested on alternate days of future Test matches.
It is anachronistic for the Ashes to be contested over a Test series. Australians quite rightly don't like international five-day cricket and henceforth the Ashes will only be up for grabs in seven-match ODI series. Twenty20 was considered as an alternative but rejected for now. The change will be introduced with immediate effect.
Australia's preparation, overseen by their head coach Tim Nielsen, was exemplary. "England's" selection of a quartet of South Africans couldn't have been envisaged and stymied his eminently workable plans for dismissing Hutton, Hammond, Compton and Knott, which would have made the difference if the "English" hadn't cheated. In an echo of Bill Woodfull during the Bodyline series (when the English cheated again, incidentally) Nielsen complained to the commission that "there were as many as three teams playing cricket out there".
CA will call upon the ICC to investigate Alastair Cook's status as a "human". The harsh, forbidding antipodean sun can only be endured by fair-dinkum Aussies. Cook's failure to sweat at any stage of his batting marathons indicates further evidence of English knavish tricks. If he is proved to be a laboratory-engineered android, as expected, CA will call for all "England's" wins to be declared null and void.
The commission praised Cricket Australia executives for their groundbreaking work with sponsors and tireless attendance at corporate functions, as well as innovative approaches to pre-series publicity. Once more CA is teaching lessons to the world's governing bodies. The ECB, by contrast, couldn't organise a flashmob at half an hour's notice.
It's probable that the only Australians truly to blame for losing the series all attended the same breakfast on Boxing Day. Consideration is being given to classing Clarke and Hughes as official Cricket Australia Scapegoats, but not before a separate commission will report on the appalling behaviour of serial wrongdoer Shane Warne for refusing all entreaties to come out of retirement.
"England's" players were found to have indulged in a particularly pernicious and un-Australian practice of exchanging words with their Aussie counterparts on the field of play. This new blight on the game, or sledging as it's known in England, is unacceptable and an official complaint will be lodged with the ICC immediately.
One thing that all respondents agreed on was that England's quality of batting, bowling, preparation and planning could not possibly have had any bearing on the freak result, and in a lengthy deposition from readers of ESPNcricinfo, it emerged that an innings of 154 not out by Sachin Tendulkar in Sydney in 2008 was single-handedly responsible for Australia losing three matches at home by an innings in the same series for the first time. That being the case, Cricket Australia, its executive committee, captain and selectors have been exonerated of all blame for the 1-3 loss.
The ECB, whilst refusing to comment on the document's findings, this morning announced the appointment of a new Flashmob Consultant, who will join the squad with immediate effect.
Daniel Norcross is a founder of and commentator on Test Match Sofa, the alternative cricket commentary. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
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If she thought fans would like her dress, Venus Williams was in Wonderland.
The player said that her bright yellow, latticed outfit was inspired by Lewis Carroll's character Alice.
But as far as those watching the Australian Open were concerned, the fourth seed should have spent longer reflecting in the looking glass.
England cricketer Graeme swann described the dress and flesh-coloured shorts, as 'the worst outfit ever seen on a tennis court'.
On Twitter he wrote: 'she looks like a cheese and onion slice.'
Another fan said it was 'probably the most hideous outfit I have ever seen... including halloween costumes!'
Miss Williams, 30, was not distracted, however. Despite pulling a muscle she beat sandra Zahlavova 6-7 6-0 6-4.
The dress wasn't the loudest thing on court. According to Andy Murray, her grunts, previously recorded at 90 decibels, were more worthy of comment. 'I have never heard so much noise in a tennis match,' he tweeted.'
Clearly the garish ensemble didn't hinder the 30-year-old, who was out of action for much of 2010 following a knee injury, as she bounced back to beat Czech player Sandra Zahlavova 6-7 (6/8) 6-0 6-4.
Perhaps the outfit was a tactic to put off her opponent, who looked to be attempting the same idea in a deep pink tennis dress by Adidas. Spectators were certainly distracted by glimpses of Venus's derrière as the lightweight fabric of her dress kept flying up above her midriff during play.
The outfit, which she had designed herself for her clothing label, EleVen, was presumably designed to keep her cool, with a bright yellow lattice-style top and patterned micro-miniskirt.
She accessorised with a bright pink watch and dazzling diamond earrings - her only concession to traditional tennis attire was a white visor and Nike trainers.
Yesterday's look was just the latest in a string of brightly-coloured style statements Venus has made during the tournament so far, though they have been getting progressively bolder.
On Monday she wore a bright turquoise blue striped dress with a zip down the front to play Sara Errani of Italy, and on Sunday she wore bright pink shorts and a blue tank for a practice session.
A unique sense of style clearly runs in the family, too, as her mother, Oracene, demonstrated as she watched her daughter train.
The mother-of-five wore a bright pink tracksuit and heavy black sunglasses as she waitied courtside for Venus's practice session to finish.
And who could forget her sister Serena's own on-court fashion moments.
Sponsored by Nike, she regularly turns heads in custom-designed court-wear - at Wimbledon last year her red-and-white dress was inspired by strawberries and cream.
But Venus is the only one of the three to have harnessed her sartorial instincts to develop a fashion line, which launched in 2007.
Production for EleVen was put on hold in 2008 after its sole stockist, U.S. retailer Steve & Barry’s, folded, but has since resumed thanks to a new deal with the Gilt Group.
Now the fourth seed regularly promotes her line by wearing it on court.
She said of the collection: 'I want to be me – unique – and represent myself in my game, in my attitude and in what I wear.
'It is all very appropriate; it all looks really good and colourful. Here is the brand, I am in control.'
And as for why her sister chooses to wear another brand on court, rather than EleVen, it seems Venus's fledgling line cannot compete with that lucrative sponsorship deals with Nike.
'Serena wears Nike [on court]. But perhaps, one day, EleVen will be able to afford her,' she told the Financial Times.
Though Venus's style is perhaps an acquired taste (The Sun compared today's outfit to a cheese and onion pasty), she is not without skill, and holds a degree in clothing design from the Fort Lauderdale School of Fashion and Design.
'I started school at 19 and finished at 27 – it was a little slower after the Majors,' she explained.
'You learn to make patterns, to sew, to thread industrial machines, about fabrics, textiles, you learn about the whole industry.'
'I really don’t want to travel the world constantly and I would like to have something that I am interested in.
'Obviously, I am serious enough to go to design school and I want to continue what I love. I am absolutely crafting a post-tennis career.'
Though she emerged the victor today, Venus narrowly avoided a second-round exit in the match against Zahlavova, when she lost the first set on a tie-break and then took a medical time-out for treatment on her right leg.
The key moment in an enthralling final set came at three-all when Williams broke to claim an advantage she never relinquished.
The win against the Czech player has earned her a meeting with either Andrea Petkovic, the 30th seed from Germany, or British qualifier Anne Keothavong.
'It was really tough but I am such a long way from home and I didn't want to go home just yet,' she said, admitting the momentum swung her way at the start of the second set.
'I don't know what happened, I just started going for shots and I am not sure she was as composed as before.
'You have to play under different circumstances.'
Anyone for lattice? Venus and 'the worst outfit ever seen on a tennis court'
If she thought fans would like her dress, Venus Williams was in Wonderland.
The player said that her bright yellow, latticed outfit was inspired by Lewis Carroll's character Alice.
But as far as those watching the Australian Open were concerned, the fourth seed should have spent longer reflecting in the looking glass.
England cricketer Graeme swann described the dress and flesh-coloured shorts, as 'the worst outfit ever seen on a tennis court'.
Garish: Venus Williams made a bold statement in an outfit of her own design for her match against Czech player Sandra Zahlavova at the Australian Open today
On Twitter he wrote: 'she looks like a cheese and onion slice.'
Another fan said it was 'probably the most hideous outfit I have ever seen... including halloween costumes!'
Miss Williams, 30, was not distracted, however. Despite pulling a muscle she beat sandra Zahlavova 6-7 6-0 6-4.
The dress wasn't the loudest thing on court. According to Andy Murray, her grunts, previously recorded at 90 decibels, were more worthy of comment. 'I have never heard so much noise in a tennis match,' he tweeted.'
Clearly the garish ensemble didn't hinder the 30-year-old, who was out of action for much of 2010 following a knee injury, as she bounced back to beat Czech player Sandra Zahlavova 6-7 (6/8) 6-0 6-4.
Colourful: Zahlavova also went for a bright outfit in a deep pink tennis dress by Adidas - but perhaps she was distracted by her opponent's unique ensemble, as Venus emerged the victor
Revealing: The fabric of Williams' dress was so lightweight, it kept flying up above her midriff during play
She accessorised with a bright pink watch and dazzling diamond earrings - her only concession to traditional tennis attire was a white visor and Nike trainers.
Yesterday's look was just the latest in a string of brightly-coloured style statements Venus has made during the tournament so far, though they have been getting progressively bolder.
In the pink: Venus's mother, Oracene Williams watches her daughter during a training session
A unique sense of style clearly runs in the family, too, as her mother, Oracene, demonstrated as she watched her daughter train.
The mother-of-five wore a bright pink tracksuit and heavy black sunglasses as she waitied courtside for Venus's practice session to finish.
And who could forget her sister Serena's own on-court fashion moments.
Sponsored by Nike, she regularly turns heads in custom-designed court-wear - at Wimbledon last year her red-and-white dress was inspired by strawberries and cream.
But Venus is the only one of the three to have harnessed her sartorial instincts to develop a fashion line, which launched in 2007.
Production for EleVen was put on hold in 2008 after its sole stockist, U.S. retailer Steve & Barry’s, folded, but has since resumed thanks to a new deal with the Gilt Group.
Now the fourth seed regularly promotes her line by wearing it on court.
She said of the collection: 'I want to be me – unique – and represent myself in my game, in my attitude and in what I wear.
'It is all very appropriate; it all looks really good and colourful. Here is the brand, I am in control.'
And as for why her sister chooses to wear another brand on court, rather than EleVen, it seems Venus's fledgling line cannot compete with that lucrative sponsorship deals with Nike.
'Serena wears Nike [on court]. But perhaps, one day, EleVen will be able to afford her,' she told the Financial Times.
Getting the blues: On Monday, Venus showed off another of her designs in a turquoise striped dress with a zip down the front (left), and on Sunday she wore bright pink shorts and a turquoise tank for a practice session
'I started school at 19 and finished at 27 – it was a little slower after the Majors,' she explained.
'You learn to make patterns, to sew, to thread industrial machines, about fabrics, textiles, you learn about the whole industry.'
Sartorial instincts: Venus in another of her own designs at a tournament in Florida in March last year (left), and showcasing another EleVen dress in a match against Patty Schnyder in the French Open in May (right)
Dressed to impress: An Ikat print was the order of the day at the 2009 French Open (left), while a crossover yellow style co-ordinated with the ball at the 2009 Australian Open (centre). And Venus wore chose a sparkly firework patterned minidress to play in the 2010 U.S. Open
She admitted that her efforts to learn about the fashion industry were part of a plan to develop a post-tennis career. Sister act: Venus (left) with her sister Serena at a party to celebrate last year's U.S. Open
'Obviously, I am serious enough to go to design school and I want to continue what I love. I am absolutely crafting a post-tennis career.'
Though she emerged the victor today, Venus narrowly avoided a second-round exit in the match against Zahlavova, when she lost the first set on a tie-break and then took a medical time-out for treatment on her right leg.
The key moment in an enthralling final set came at three-all when Williams broke to claim an advantage she never relinquished.
The win against the Czech player has earned her a meeting with either Andrea Petkovic, the 30th seed from Germany, or British qualifier Anne Keothavong.
'It was really tough but I am such a long way from home and I didn't want to go home just yet,' she said, admitting the momentum swung her way at the start of the second set.
'I don't know what happened, I just started going for shots and I am not sure she was as composed as before.
'You have to play under different circumstances.'
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